Saturday, June 23, 2012

First show jitters

An interesting thing happened to me yesterday as the first show was being performed... I could not feel anything.  I create work so I can see/feel/hear something that I usually do not get to experience otherwise.  All the hours, all the planning, all the coordination needed to create this 55 minute layered work is in part so I can "experience" something.  It has to be that way for me.  It's like when you've done a job well done and you sit back and savor the moment.  I choreograph for all sorts of other reasons that include you as the participants but some part of the process is reserved for me alone.  And yesterday during the first show I could not go there.  I worried too much about what the audience would think and my body kind of numbed itself to the possible disappointment.

For the second show the theater staff asked whether we would perform if there we fewer audience members than casts members.  I could feel the relief in my bones of only a few people being there... the luxury of having 3 people in the audience being immersed in this colorful world.  The simplicity of performing for a few and my body relaxed.  We ended up having a nice second crowd but it was interesting to see my body relax at the thought of only having a few people there.

Performing and watching performance is like a meditation practice.  Not in a relaxing type of way but in a way that supports awareness.  It's through your body that you can see the performance and it is through that same body that the performers can understand what they are doing.  Like in meditation "mental" judgements and expectations only hinder the experience.  An overly mental attitude when faced with a movement experience can only confuse you.  Your eyes will see something but your body will be numb, uncomfortable, anxious, etc... your whole is engaged in a fight between what should be (mental) and what is (experience) and this really interferes with the appreciation that can come from letting yourself go to the experience of the performance.  I know I'm looking forward to seeing the dancers perform again tonight.  I will be sad when the run will come to an end.  This work will never look the same again.  Too many projections, too many happenstances, too many subtle synergies and a video will never let us see the full work as our bodies would have experienced it.  It's precious and my somatophobic tendencies can really interfere with the possible enjoyment of the moment.


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